So far..so good?

I begin this humble blog post with a beautiful art piece by ramin nazer an artist I randomly came across on the internet. “The obstacle is the path”.

How desperately do I wish these words were true. Today was not a good day, I have spent almost two days working on a “coding bat” problem I could not solve. I thought that I could do it, I really thought if I tried and tried that I could do it… yet I couldn’t. Iteration over iteration, I came close, I passed most of the tests, however the program didn’t just do what I wanted. Eventually I caved in and google searched the problem and found a solution on stackoverflow. Obviously, I took it apart and learned how the code worked then re-wrote it from my head.. but I couldn’t figure it out. This sense of defeatism just ruined everything. I didn’t fully understand the use of the mod operator and how negative numbers behave with it, that was the final piece and I couldn’t source it. Plus I haven’t washed my clothes, I said I would. I really wanted to do laundry before monday. Then there’s the classic log book I am yet to fill. I haven’t been paying enough attention to my industrial training and I feel like a complete failure. Then the news that Andela was dropping junior devs and shifting focus to accommodate talent in the industry with more experience just gutted me. I had the news as it came out on twitter a few days ago, but I pretended to pay it no attention. I didn’t want to think about it. Today I thought about it. What are the odds of me becoming a self taught competent full stack developer? Let’s pretend I can achieve this insane task, then what? How do I build a good enough portfolio? Even then will anyone hire a self taught with no relevant degree? What training institute could I attend before andela? How can I afford to pay for it? Will andela still hire when I graduate?

What am I doing? I sent a girl that I like but haven’t talked to in awhile a text… She didn’t text back. I’d like to believe that the obstacle is the path. I’d like to believe that because it is difficult so very few people see it through to the end. What can be achieved? Or consequently what would I fail at achieving and learn from?

I’d like to believe I’m trying the best I can. I’d like to believe the hours I spend on this computer writing code will matter. I like code, believe it or not. I like the culture around it, I like the people who do it. I’ll probably keep doing this even if I don’t make any money out of it but… What else can I do? I have so much time I can invest in learning and discovering opportunities to grow as a person. I’m trying. I really am. I’m just afraid it might not just be enough.

I need to find a career path and get on it with the dedication and drive characteristic of an obsession. UPDATE: On split focus between learning about the theories of economics and the very real world of finance. I have decided to allocate 30% of my time, energy and resources into this, leaving 70% to code and all things computer science. I realize it’s a compromise and far from ideal but I need a practical real world applicable skill I can market and might be good at far more than I do the knowledge of the underlying workings of the system itself and how to speculate and exploit it for profit. Investing and trading are for those with healthy margins to play with in the markets.

I feel exhausted mentally. Which is perplexing because I haven’t done anything but suck all day. Today aside being an especially bad day, lets review so far, what have I done?

-I’ve almost exhausted the entire coding bat exercises (Including the one I cheated on, Oh the shame! The horror!!!)

-I’m on page 150 with wealth of nations.

-I fixed that bug in the JSON script in sublime that was really bugging my python linting.

-I’ve decided on the full stack / mobile app developer path and have charted the course path.

That’s it really, I haven’t actually made any more concrete steps than reading a book on the history of economics which I am even yet to finish! Then maybe the argument can be made that I have practiced coding quite a bit these past few days, however the pace is somewhat slow. I should improve my daily productive output. How? Mostly I think what I need right now is just to be focused. Focus is difficult when the path is really muddy. Motivation on days like today is crummy. When you hammer at the code logic and the code logic hammers at you with headaches. When you read pages upon pages and however much information you absorb and conceptualize you don’t feel closer to your goal. You don’t see “it”.

This is the biggest problem I think. The ability to measure progress and offset uncertainty. To see tangible results. To have some way of knowing what I’m doing objectively. Whether or not it’s the ‘right’ thing is different story of doubt I wrestle with every day. I get PTSD whenever I think I must return to school and face the crippling 10 units of carry over that await me. What if I spill? What if I end up with a 3rd class. Have I failed? How can I do better? I want to do better, but it just doesn’t make sense. What am I doing wrong? Where can I fix it? Is it too little too late? Is my professional career dead and I just don’t know it?

I fear for the future. It seems a darker place than today and the only way to provide my future self with the light necessary to navigate a world in the future is to invest in making descent enough choices that could allow my future self the sliver of a chance. A vague probability, a small hope.