Year.

Year year year year year year year year year year year year year year year year year so after many many year the time had come for the year to end in a very yearly fashion for the years and years party of the awesomeness of the chateau du vale were simply too amazing to pass up this year also in the news this year the yearly year of the harvest year thing of years has come to be a yearly thing annually or yearly? This had me utterly perplexed at the benign nature of what has come to ultimately be the end of every very weird year year in year out we pray to the cake Gods for mercy but alas there is no cake this year either for many apple cider friters are on my mind to choke on the merciless year of reckoning but be that as it may I shall not faulter in my attempts of a graceful new year ye ye ye ye ye ye  ye ey ye ye ye ye ye ye ye year ear lend me and earful so that I may explain this years problem child year year who cant spell year? I mean it’s the simplest dum thing to know yunno? Also year year year year year year year year why ear toothpaste because that is simply the best alternative to whatever creepy thing you have planned fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fucked the fuckingly fuckers fuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Lol.

I was trying to learn how to type at the keyboard. I couldn’t seem to type the word ‘year’ to any level of accuracy. Strange this skill I acquired. Why did I acquire it? Out of some desperation to prove I could earn an income? Perhaps because it was a transferrable skill, something that could aid my adventure into learning code. It has served me well and truly. Well beyond proving a point.

I wonder… the greatest use of my time quite possibly since I was born was education. None of that formal education, I have failed miserably at that by all accounts. The judge has made his decision and fate has not favoured me. He has judged me worthless and I must say I disagree on every account. What to do oh what to do? What do I do? It seems something, anything is better than nothing. Yet… just keeping busy and doing something may likely be foolish.

What little time I have left.

What resources do I command? What tools do I have? How can this giant be slain?

Chipping at his feet simply will not do. I reckon it would take many life times to wait to bleed him out.

I have far too few years unfortunately.

Too little time to do anything I suppose.

Too much time to not do anything I suppose.

I know should I decide to apply myself to whatever endeavour no matter how far-fetched, it is likely I will achieve some success. Proven in point by the last few months. However, not every endeavour was successful to its purposeful goal.

What about my grades, how could that have been helped? I honestly do not know. That is an outcome simply beyond my ability to solve or influence to any meaningful degree in my life.

It is not that I do not understand. It is that my actions aren’t simply translating into necessary results.

Perhaps the nihilistic hedonist slumber deep within understands all too well the harsh reality. I should take it easy, this uneasiness isn’t healthy. Every second of every day, I feel I should be doing something, the ‘right’ thing. Whatever that means.

Rationality has forsaken me. It is an irrational world, through the distorted oversimplified model that is my own understanding fuelled by my perception I am at a loss.

The wit of chaos is sharp and biting and I am far too shy and dim-witted to supply a clever remark.

What to do? What to do?

The question itches at the back of my mind as Monday, turns into Tuesday and today turns into four years later.

The governor mistress change demands her quota not for one reason or thought or power will time bend. It marches and tramples upon us all. For better or worse, it is all that matters.

Time… how we waste our lives.

Well, that there is subjective.

What is considered waste?

A subjective interpretation of a value system. What is a ‘waste’ to me is productive to you. Shared value I suppose? Get money? Get a girlfriend? More followers? More friends? A skill?

What madman designed this system? What was the goal? Insanity?

Oh how envious I am of the gifted.

With their shiny minds filled with such intellectual powers that master modelling the universe in various ways. This is of course a process prerequisite to action.

Understanding breeds action.

You can sail the seas without a compass and still find your destination… yes. I simply wouldn’t venture beyond the little lake without knowing all my feeble mind could possibly comprehend of its topography, level, salinity and so on. To my limit.

Oh how I envy the gifted, the talented.

It seems but a simple to choice to apply themselves with doubt to be sure, yet never mind that little demon. They are given the greatest tools, the sharpest wits and the neatest of texts.

Knowledge, is important. How could you make a choice if you aren’t aware of the possibilities?

We do not live in a world of perfect information… however I today, in my little glowing devices hold more information than the greatest libraries that have ever existed since time possibly.

I hold in my hand every possibility imaginable.

It’s not so simple, of course. Not everything is so freely available. With such wide breadth and depth, it’s easy to get lost in the ocean. Fields that are worthwhile can be quite deep and require much time and be mentally tasking.  Then the question… will it materialize with some probability to the required outcome?

What to do oh what to do I have no idea.

One rational decision begets another until it isn’t so rational. Then there’s the question is believing and assuming rationality of thought and behaviour actual rationality? Or simply the belief in it?

I am biased to think I am more irrational than rational. The human mind with all its powers of reasoning and holy abstract thinking is feeble. Tricks of the mind, a deceitful friend. A snake hidden in your pretended being, the subconscious, emotion, meta-cognition. You aren’t ever quite sure if you are sinning or not. Rationality cannot guide you in the world, it is inadequate. The powers of the mind are limited and trade-offs of inaccuracies are made. This is made evident in so many ways. We deceive ourselves because truth is second to functionality of the biological organism.

Usefulness. That is it.

Understanding resources, tools and so on and making decisions to full fill needs. We bias ourselves to this or that in various situations to force a decision. Complex the world is. Chaotic often.